Top 5 MTA Moments

Yesterday, I was pushing my way through rush hour at the Herald Square BDFV station when I smelled it. Then I saw it.

A human turd in the corner.

Before you ask, I know a human turd when I see one. We all do. It wasn't a dog turd. It wasn't a cat turd. It could've been a bear turd, but that seems unlikely. I can say with 95% certainty that that turd came from the ass of a human.

Because I'm the kind of person to become inspired by poop, I decided right then and there that it's time to share my top 5 MTA moments.

#5 Lil' Mumbles

So, one day, my good friend Allie and I were on the 4 train coming back to Brooklyn. We were standing up and I was telling her a story when she suddenly started laughing uncontrollably. Considering the fact that I hadn't gotten to the punchline yet, I was slightly confused. She gestured toward the guy standing behind her and I redirected my attention. And there he was. In all his glory. Lil' Mumbles. Freestyling like a goddamn fool. His muse? The picture of Coney Island behind me.

Ain't it pretty? I admit, it's a delightful treat to see all this New York-inspired artwork on the train. And I'm guessing Lil' Mumbles was especially affected by the MTA's initiative to create a more cultured customer base. But due to his limited vocabulary, all he had to mumble about was what the rest of us could already see.

"There's a rollercoaster. And a ferris wheel. Look at the ferris wheel. It's by the rollercoaster."

Well, thank you, Lil' Mumbles. I appreciate your creative spin. And now, I can't ride a train that has this poster on it without chuckling to myself and thinking fondly of the aspiring hip-hop artist I saw on the 4.

#4 They Say That Breaking Up is Hard to Do

About two years ago, Allie and I were on the C and we noticed an adorable little boy flirting with an adorable little girl. They were both toddlers, so this scene was especially endearing. They were poking at each other and giggling and talking about their crazy exes, all the while, their mothers were ignoring this match made in Heaven. Then, we arrived at Jay Street. The mother of the little girl grabbed her child's hand and suddenly whisked her off the train. Obviously, Young Edward was not at all prepared for this. Allie and I knew what was about to happen. First, he took a deep breath. Then, his face contorted into a twisted display of torture and longing. He didn't breathe or make a sound for a solid 7 seconds, which, in Devastated Kid Land, is when you know it's coming. Then, it came. As soon as we heard that kid gasp for air, the wailing ensued. He screamed from Jay Street all the way to Franklin Avenue. It was the saddest display of heartbreak I've seen since Britney shaved her head to cope with a divorce.

#3 Umm...thanks?

Okay, so this didn't happen in New York. It happened when I lived in Baltimore and used public transportation there. But it's just too good not to mention. I was on the bus and fumbling through my purse, looking for some Chapstick. The derelict sitting next to me must have been spying because as soon as he caught sight of the pack of cigarettes in my purse, he asked, "Can I pay you for a cigarette?" Without hesitating, I pulled one out of my pack and handed it to him, saying "You don't need to pay me. It's fine." However, he insisted. So, I waited for him as he fumbled through his pockets, searching for my payment. When he finally found what he was looking for, he handed it to me.

A button.

#2 OH LAWD!

It happened on the Manhattan-bound 2 train not too long ago. Due to an obnoxious deadline at work, I was leaving Brooklyn at an especially obscene hour. Sometime around 7:30 AM. The problem with taking the train at this time of day is that you may as well be on Bus #232 since every high-school kid within a 10-mile radius is on the train with you.

On this particular morning, the group of attention-hungry youth standing next to me was being especially obnoxious and forcing me to wish bad things upon them. So, you can imagine my surprise when a member of their party toppled over like all the bones in her body had just dissolved, landing her in the arms of her completely bewildered peer. Everyone in the car became concerned, but I was most amused by the reaction of the large black woman sitting across from me. She was a mama through and through. At first, there was the "OH LAWD!" followed by "SOMEONE HELP HUH!" When the girl's friends helped huh and they left the train at the next stop, Mama followed them to the door and screamed, "DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN HER MOUTH!" I immediately donned my best WTF face and wondered what the hell that had to do with anything. I thought that rule applied to a person having a seizure, but whatever. All I know is I'd like that lady around if I ever pass out or seize on the 2.

#1 This is My Stop

Drum roll, please! Are you ready?! This is my absolute, all-time favorite subway moment in the history of ever. It's brief, so lower your expectations now if you were hoping for some long-winded anecdote.

Two winters ago, I was waiting for the shuttle near my apartment. The platform is outdoors, so I was pretty damn cold on this particular morning. When the train finally arrived, I walked to the doors and gyrated as I willed them to open. And that's when I saw him.

A pigeon, patiently waiting to get off at his stop. The doors opened and he walked off the train, following the rest of the commuters. He didn't run. He didn't fly. He maintained the pace of his fellow Brooklynites and trudged off the train like the rest of them.

I leave you with that image, my friends. Feel free to tweak it a bit. Give the pigeon a briefcase and a Blackberry if you want. Lord knows I always do.